Saturday, February 26, 2011

Truth

"Getting treasures by a lying tongue is the fleeting fantasy of those who seek death." 
Proverbs 21:6

My friend Tracey and I have been talking about truth lately.  It's been really eye opening to see how much untruth and manipulation can come out of your mouth if you don't make a conscious effort to be truthful.  

Tracey and I don't consider ourselves liars but God is reveling to both of us, at the same time, that the way we deal with our personal relationships could be healthier.  We are learning to be truth tellers and truth seekers.
Manipulation falls into the category of untruth.  You say something to someone to make them feel guilty or to get what you want.  

Manipulation is a lot of times harder to see or at least it's a lot harder for me to see.  I am easily manipulated.  I see the good in all people.  I forgive easily, and trust even easier.  It takes someone close to me to do it over and over again for me to finally see it and then put up my walls so I won't get hurt again.  

Manipulation is a part of my past.  I am so much healthier now and getting even healthier.   God has been revealing things to me and helping me realize that the healthiest thing you can do for your self and the ones you love is tell the truth.  If we are truthful then our relationships will be truthful.  Why would you want a relationship that was based on manipulation and well lies?  It would not be real now would it?  At this point in my life I don't want anything that is not real.  I WANT REAL.

So yesterday when I was about to text something untrue to a friend to make him jealous I waited for a minute and thought, "Amy why would you want him to feel jealous based on something that is not even true?"  So I didn't text it, and you know what?  I got an even better result out of being truthful, this friend and I ended up having the best conversation out of the blue.

It's hard telling the truth all the time.  But God says lying leads to death.  I totally believe that.  I have had at least two very close friendships end because of lying.  Very sad, but very real, and very unnecessary if only truth were involved.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Emotionally Unavailable and a BIG Red Flag

Emotionally Unavailable.  What does that mean, really?  That is what my friend, hmmm, what should me call him on here????  What the heck?  I can't think of a stupid make-believe name for him to protect his identity!!!!!  Ugg whatever.

Anyway we had a very intense heart to heart AGAIN last night.  Our relationship is very complicated, well not on my end I pretty know what I feel, what I'm ready for but it's complicated on his end and I'm beginning to see it his way.  It hurts, it sucks, I'm screaming inside right now!!!  However I'm beginning to see his reality and what is going on. 

First of all he made a commitment to God in January to be single for a year.  Hmmmm  how can I even compete with that commitment?  Like I said in my other post he is a mess and I'm beginning to believe him.  When I asked him last night if he saw a future for us he said, "Amy, I don't see a future for myself, how can I see a future for us?"  And that statement is the truth.  He does not see a future for himself, that is how broken he is.  I see the beauty in him, I see the potential, I see the man God created him to be but he does not . . . yet. 

I can't fix him.

What we are doing now is pretending.  Pretending is an accurate word to describe "us".  We go throughout the day, texting, talking, video chatting, pretending we are in a healthy relationship, but if one of us is unhealthy how healthy could it be? 

He is putting up a HUGE RED FLAG for me. 


I should be grateful for this.  I mean her is a man who cares about me enough to tell me, Amy I'm messed up, it's not the right time for us, I will hurt you if I don't fix myself first.  And here I am saying, "I don't care, I want to love you anyway". 

What is wrong with me????  Feels like rejection to me.  Feels like he is rejecting me.  And now that we are this close, now that we do have these deep feelings for each other how do we go back?  How do we become "just friends"? 

I can't fix him.

Truth is I feel stupid.  Stupid for letting him in.  Stupid for telling anyone I like him.  Stupid for telling him I like him.  Stupid for even thinking there was a chance for us.  I feel like I have been in this position so many times, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Truth is I'm trusting God.  God is in total control.  I HATE THAT PART!!!  I HATE THAT I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL!!!! UGH!

So here I am. 

I don't know what to do with all of this emotion, all this feeling, all this passion.

THIS SUCKS.

Yet another lesson from God that He is in control . . . you're killing me God, really your killin' me.


Monday, February 21, 2011

A tightrope

Here I am, starting over again.
I feel like I'm on a tightrope. Trust, ugh!
Yet God is so good.
Every morning for the past week He has woke me up early to talk.
It's actually been great. I have never experienced this kind of closeness to Him.
I'm wrestling with something.
Something BIG.
Something that will change the course of my life, forever.
I feel stupid even writing about it because I have written about it before.
Or maybe not, maybe I just think I have written about it.
I'm afraid to even put it out there.
Who will read this?
Who will get into my brain, my heart?
So I write guarded as I usually do.
Because if you really knew me, would you still love me?
My good friend tells me all the time, "Awww Amy you wear year heart on your sleeve". 
Yeah I do.
I tell you what I think if not by my words by my eyes.
In fact my last evaluation at work had written I need to be careful of my facial expression, specifically my eyes because sometimes I appear "annoyed", "defiant", even "rude".  It did not say all that but that was the meaning behind what they were trying to say.
I can't help it.
I feel SO deep.
Sometimes I wish I didn't.
WHY DO I FEEL SO DEEP?????
I am totally trusting God right now.
He is in control.
I have NO CONTROL!!!!!
I tried to guard my heart.
I tried not to feel the way I do.
I tried not to "fall".
But it's too late, I already have.
He is wonderful.
Butterflies. I get Butterflies.
It's so scary.
There is healing that must happen though.
He needs to heal.
He is broken.
A mess.
But I love messes.
And although a mess he is beautiful.
I tell him that all the time.
I know it seems weird, calling a man beautiful, but he is.
He loves Jesus.
He wants to serve God.
He's smart, intelligent.
We click.
We fit.
He "gets" me.
My darkness.
My passion.
My drive.
We live over 1000 miles apart, but that is a wonderful thing.
Gives healing a chance.
Gives us a chance.
Can't believe I'm putting this all out there.
Put hey I'm trusting God.
If this does not work out, God has a plan.
A very beautiful plan for both our lives.
That we both know is true.




Friday, February 18, 2011

Love and Breathing


I've been thinking about love a lot lately and am realizing that LOVE is at the core of most of my wounds that haven't healed yet.
This week at church my pastor taught us how to do a Breath Prayer. It's a prayer you say to the rhythm of your breathing.
THIS IS MY BREATH PRAYER:
"GOD . . . I NEED TO FEEL LOVED"

 
I know that when people look at my life they may think I'm crazy to need to feel loved because I am loved and love is all around me. This is true. I am loved and I do have love all around me however the TRUTH is that does not mean I FEEL loved. It does not mean I believe that I am loved. It does not mean that the deep wounds of not feeling wanted, or not feeling like I fit in, or not feeling loved for who I am have healed or that the love I have today even reaches those deep wounds.
This is what I'm working on right now. I'm working on feeling God's love but not only feeling, BELIEVING I AM LOVED, in fact that is what I'm going to change my breath prayer to, "GOD . . . I NEED TO BELIEVE I AM LOVED".
I run to so many other things when I don't feel loved or accepted.
Well really I run to two things, food and men.
I use food and men to heal my wound, but guess what, food and men don't heal wounds, only one thing does, the awesome power of the Holy Spirit.
The exciting part is I'm getting there. I'm being molded, I'm being stretched. I'm being polished.
It hurts, it's scary, and I have messed up a bunch of times during this process but at least I'm getting there.



 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Teens and Dating

 I LOVE the show Parenthood!!!  It was on last night and I can relate to so many story lines!!!!  Not to mention they are drawing attention to Autism (one of the children on the show has Autism).  He is doing an excellent job portraying what a child deals with who is diagnosed with Autism.  The family dynamics are great and the show started out with the family not knowing about Autism so it takes you down the road from the beginning.  I laugh every week because a lot of quirks the kid has my Autumn has as well. 
 Oh Haddie and Alex!!!!!  Haddie is 16, Alex is 19, he is on his own and they want to date.  Haddie's parents forbid her to see him, she saw him anyway.  She ends up moving out . . . then back in . . .her parents finally let her see Alex on their terms.  Fellow blogger Courtney asked me if I think Haddie and Alex should be able to date?  Well do I have an answer for you!  In fact I had to make the exact same decision that Haddie's parents had to make . . . I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!

Meet my real life Haddie and Alex . . . Rayne and John. 
 Rayne (my daughter) wanted to start dating John last February (can't believe it's been a year!).  Rayne was 16 (juuuuuust 16) and John was . . . gulp . . . 19!!!!!  Rayne was a Sophomore in High School, John was a Freshman in college!!!!  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!

I flipped out.  I couldn't believe it.  My baby, my little girl wanted to date a college student . . . a man . . . an adult!!!!  I had a choice to make.  Forbid her to see him, or choose to get to know him. 

With great agony I decided to let her date him.  I came up with all these crazy contracts for her to sign, it was bad, really bad.  The contracts never got signed and I chilled out.  What I did require is that John had to spend time at our house, they couldn't just go out in his car all the time.  She was also required to be home on time, all the time. 

It has been 1 full year now and Rayne and John are still together.  She is now 17 and he is now 20.  And guess what?  I LOVE HIM!!!  He is a really good kid.  He goes to school full-time, works full-time, and treats my daughter with love and respect.  He is family oriented and has made Rayne more family oriented which is a huge blessing. 

It hasn't been perfect and Rayne and I still battle things out about her relationship at times but I love that we can be open and honest about everything. 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A decision has been made.

I've made my decision about India.  Really I came to the conclusion a while ago but have been too chicken to say it out loud.  Thank goodness I have so many godly people praying for me and supporting me.  I'm excited about what God is going to do in my family this year.  Everyday I am learning to really TRUST in Him. It's SOOOO HARD!!!!  He is in total control,there is nothing I can do about it so I might as well just submit.  I feel like I'm participating on one of those "trust falls".  Have you ever participated in this "team building" activity.  You know, you stand up on a platform and about 6 people stand behind you and you have to fall backwards into their arms.  You need to TRUST them to catch you.  That's what I feel like, it's that feeling, that drop in my stomach before letting go, before crossing my arms, closing my eyes and releasing my body to fall backwards into the hands of someone else.  Wow, it's kinda exciting but a whole lot of nerve wracking.

Here is my email I sent to the people at Sarah's Covenant Homes


Hello Theresa and Sarah,

I wanted to give you the heads up on something that I have been wrestling with over the past couple of months. God has laid on my heart that He wants me to stay here instead of going to India. He is doing a great work in me and my children. I believe that he wants to use the 3 weeks I was going to go to India to help restore and strengthen the relationship I have with my 17 year old daughter. Our relationship is good but it could be better and I could be doing a better job with showing her the love of Christ so that she will have a stronger relationship with Him. I have already begun this work with my daughter and am excited to see how this is all going to pan out.

This decision not to come to India at this time has been very hard. I am heart broken and have been wrestling trying to decipher whether it was coming from God or Satan. I have had many people praying for my decision and it has been made clear my family has to come before India at this time. I am so sorry I have to postpone.

But don't give up on me yet!!!! I will continue to support your mission with prayer. I also have 200 brochures that I plan to do a mass mailing to all my contacts in hopes that I will get you some more fiscal support. And my trip is postponed for now but not cancelled, I still feel like one day I will arrive to help your homes. With much love in my heart thank you for all you do.
Peace.
Amy

So there you have it.  I feel a sort of relief that I got this over with.  I was so nervous about sending the email.  I feel like I have let them down.  God knows and He has great plans for both me, my family, and Sarah's Covenant Homes.

Be blessed.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Trouwbottom Legacy

I'm happy to annouce that Autumn has officially converted her name to Trouwbottom!!!!!  Look what I found on my night stand this morning!!!!


If you know me personally you know that Trouwbottom is not my actual last name.  Go here to see my post on the name!!  I'm so proud of my little Ms. Trouwbottom!!!!