Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Stretching my Faith, Stretching my Pockets

Because of some unforeseen circumstances I can not reveal on this blog I am no longer going to be receiving my oldest daughter's child support money for at least 10 months.

Yikes!!!! WHAT???? How can this be????

Although I only get $300.00 a month it was comforting to know that every month on the same date (the 1st) 300 bucks would be deposited into my bank account. This was the case for nearly 15 years.

On June 24, 2010 this all changed. I was told I would get my July 1st money but starting in August ZERO would be deposited into my account.

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!

The funny thing about God is that He has been tugging at my heart to become a better steward of His gifts to me, specifically my finances. I guess this is His way of saying, "Hey you!!! I'm serious, you have to do this!!!!!"

Ok so over the past month I've been getting use to the fact that I won't get my child support but then last night I received another phone call.

"Amy . . . . there is a problem with Rayne's health insurance now".

YIKES!!! GASP!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, you got it she does not have health insurance anymore either!!!!

God is surely stretching my faith!!!! So I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more!

This morning I told myself, "Amy, God will take care of you, don't worry". And you know what I believed it. I went into my HR department at work and told them I needed to add Rayne to my health insurance and ask for the rates as I knew it would be additional money. Not only did I lose my child support money but now I had to PAY to get her insurance.

Guess what???? God answered my prayers . . . the HR representative said, "THERE IS NO ADDITIONAL COST TO ADD RAYNE"! I then said, "OH PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!"

What a blessing, especially since Rayne has a surgeon's appointment tomorrow and she has physical therapy twice a week.

I also called her physical therapist to let him know the changes, to which he said, "Amy don't worry about it, I will treat her for free if I have to!"

God is good and I'm actually enjoying the stretching exercises he is giving me to do!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Love Letter



I wrote this love letter to the future Mr. Trouwbottom last year in May. I locked it in my locked box and forgot about it. A few weeks ago I had to look for something and I found it. God has perfect timing. I was going to get it out and read it but for some reason I was heald back, it was not the time. Last week my boyfriend and I broke up. This morning I remembered the letter and I ran downstairs to get it. Here it is . . . God is so good, so wise, and again has perfect timing. I'm so glad I did not read it a few weeks ago. I'm glad I read it today, July 13, 2010. I can't wait to give this to the future Mr. Trouwbottom!


May 9th, 2009
To my beloved husband,

I don't know who you are but I'm excited that God does. I want you to know that today, well actually yesterday I gave God the authority to write my love story.

Up until now I have tried to be in control. I have "picked" all my partners, I have not let God control any part of my dating life. I guess I never trusted God enough or I was afraid of who He was going to pick or I did not believe God would bless me with an incredible man like yourself, or somehow I did not feel deserving, or it was all these reasons rolled up into one. So today I give God the control, He is in charge of my LOVE LIFE, He is going to PICK YOU FOR ME!!

I am going to be patient.

I am going to be still.

I am going to pray everyday for you even thought I don't know you yet.

This is so exciting. I mean God knows me inside and out so you are my perfect match! I want you to know that from this day forward I will not date anyone who God has not picked.

He is preparing me for you!

If you are reading this then I want you to know that God has looked down and smiled on our relationship. Today, May 9, 2009 He has picked you and He has begun the wonderful journey of us finding one another!

I'm so excited to be your in your life! I'm so excited that no matter how long it takes from today I have saved myself for you and have given God total control in order to find you.

You are perfect for me because you are:
a man of God
diverse
kind
emotionally generous
truthful
intelligent
have a great sense of humor
a man of strong character
a communicator
a good father
patient

You are NOT:
rude
hold grudges
a pessimist
undependable
shy
racist
in denial
mean spirited
a liar
a hypocrite

I want God to write OUR love story and I am resting my faith and confidence in Him. This is extremely hard but I trust GOD. I trust that He will pick the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with. I'm excited, nervous, and I can't wait to meet you!!

Love,
Amy

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Guess who's driving?


I can hardly believe it myself.


YEP!

Rayne is driving!!!!

She just took her 6 hours of driving lessons so now she has her permit to drive!!!

I can't believe my sweet baby girl is old enough to drive!!!!

Here she is with my bff Tracey. I love this picture.

Isn't she so beautiful???? AND DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Messy Side of Depression - The Ugly Truth


I suffer from DEPRESSION.

I see a psychiatrist.

I am on anti-depressant drugs.

I have tried to go off my medication several times . . . not a good idea.

Every month I get "LOW". It is clearly hormonal.

I can not just "snap out of it".

There is nothing you can do to help me when I am depressed.

Besides hormones these are the other things that can trigger my depression:
  • stress
  • lack of sleep
  • lack of exercise
  • lack of prayer
  • lack of communication with God
  • satan
The past 3 weeks my DEPRESSION has been kicking my butt.

It has not been my normal DEPRESSION that goes away in a week.

It has lingered. It has immobilized me. It has affected my relationships.

I decided to show you how it affects my living space.

This is embarrassing but it's the TRUTH.

When I'm depressed it literally paralyzes me. You can tell how bad my DEPRESSION is by the condition of my bedroom.

Again this is embarrassing but I'm done with FAKING IT.

HERE IT IS ....










DEPRESSION SUCKS!!!!
You'll be happy to know my room no longer looks like this! Two days ago my DEPRESSION slowly lifted and I had the energy to clean and organize.
Do you suffer from DEPRESSION???

Monday, July 5, 2010

Year 36 . . . . Philippians 3

I'm now 36. It's now July. I have 10 months left before I turn 37. My desire is to make the most of these 10 months ahead of me. Last year I made a list, a long list, of things I wanted to accomplish. I was able to check some things off the list, others I still struggle with. I want to make a new list for this year, or for these next 10 months. But first I must preface it with verses from Philippians 3 because my number 1 desire is to find out what God wants from me.

"....we who worship by the Spirit of God, who glory in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh-----"
"----the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
"....and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you."
"....Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame."
"....by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
1) Seek God everyday. Talk to Him. Walk with Him. Read about Him. Listen for Him. Listen to Him.
2) Have no other gods before Him. No OTHER gods. NONE. Not TV, Not Facebook, Not the computer, Not music, Not men, Not my children, Not food, Not work, Not ANYTHING!
Last year I had a list of like 33 items. This year, this is it! A list of two.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

"I'm not comfortable!!!!!!"

Today is 4th of July and we had our annual 4th of July BBQ. The Trouwbottom BBQ is like no other. We eat all day long, from 1pm to 8pm. All the food is brought out in courses. It kinda goes like this:

1pm: Clam Fritters (Made by Uncle Gary who inherited the recipe from my late grandfather).

Hot Dogs (mainly for the kids)

BBQ chicken

Grilled Portabello Mushrooms with mozeralla, roasted red peppers, basil,and balsamic vinigarette

Corn on the cob

London Broil

Grilled spicy shrimp

Hamburgers

It's all spread out from 1pm-8pm, it's quit the experience.

Autumn has been going to these BBQ's since birth. Nothing should be a surprise for her so it is a safe comfortable space for her. In years past we have had to leave the event early, go for frequent walks, or have numerous time outs during the party.

Today she was pretty good. As usual Autumn had to have a seat right next to me. If someone sat next to me and she was not able to have a seat next to me it caused her to have a fit. At one point I told her, "Autumn you can't have things the same way all the time."

Around 3pm Autumn sat next to me and was whining very loudly, she finally screamed at me, "I'm not comfortable!!!!" I ask her if she wanted her medication and she said "YES!". After she took her medication I told her I was very proud of her that she used her words to tell me she was not feeling right.

At around 4:20pm Autumn was whining again about something and she then told me, "I need help!" What she meant was that she needed help controlling herself. I was pretty impressed! So I told her let's collect bottle caps which she was happy to do with me.

Later on in the evening she was eating watermelon. When she got to the watermelon rind she bit it into pieces and spit it out. She told me she loved how that felt on her lower teeth. Several times throughout the evening she told me she wanted something to chew on. "Like gum?", I asked her. She said, "No, something crunchy". She was clearly looking for the deep pressure the watermelon rind provided.

Over all she had a pretty good weekend. She continues to struggle with rigidity but I was shocked at how she verbalized her needs today!! Small steps, small steps!!!

It’s been a long time and my 36th birthday

IT’S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT. I’M TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF STARTING A NEW BLOG TO DOCUMENT THE DAILY LIFE OF AUTUMN AND HER STRUGGLES. I STRUGGLE SOMETIMES WITH HER BEING SO HIGH FUNCTIONING AND THAT SHE DOESN’T “LOOK” LIKE SOMEONE THAT STRUGGLES WITH AUTISM OR ADHD OR ODD BUT THERE ARE SMALL THINGS THAT HAPPEN EACH DAY THAT CLEARLY DEFINE HER DISABILITIES. SO ANYWAY, I AM BACK AND I’M HAPPY TO BE BACK!

On my 35th birthday I made a list of things I want to accomplish before my 36th birthday. I turned 36 on May 5th. Let’s see how I did . . . I’m kinda scared to evaluate myself!:

1) Run an entire 5K. I've started to train this week. I'm excited and it feels so good. NOPE, NOT AT ALL, VERY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF!!!
2) Lose another 45 pounds, making my weight loss 165 total. HELLO!!! WITHOUT RUNNING AND NOW EATING MORE I HAVE NOT LOST ANY WEIGHT, IN FACT I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!!!

3) Live a life free of secrets and demons . . . I want to live in the light, once and for all!!!! I’M DOING THIS, IT FEELS GOOD. IS STILL A STRUGGLE BUT I LOVE TRYING TO LIVE IN THE LIGHT!!!!

4) Finally paint my bedroom and hallways (I have had the paint for 7 months now!) PAINTED MY HALLWAY AND MY BEDROOM!!!! HAVE A FEW TOUCH UP AREAS TO COMPLETE BUT AS A WHOLE IT IS DONE!!

5) Simplify, simplify, simplify. NOT AS SIMPLE AS I’D LIKE, NEED SOME MORE WORK!


6) Come up with a filing system and stick to it. I HAVE WENT THROUGH A TON OF PAPERS, GOT RID OF SO MUCH, NOW JUST HAVE TO PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
7) Go on a mission trip, no matter how small or large . . . follow God's calling. I’VE BEEN SIDE TRACKED BIG TIME. I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR THIS.


8) Fall in love :) WELL I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE 2 TIMES THIS YEAR, I AM LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF AND GOD, I’M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME IN MY 36TH YEAR.

9) Pay off my debt to my parents and my sister. YES! I HAVE PAID OFF MY MOM $1300 AND MY SISTER $700!!!

10) Live debt free. STRUGGLING WITH THIS, NEED TO STOP SPENDING!

11) Save two full months of living expenses and but it in my online savings account so I won't be tempted to touch it!!!! YEAH RIGHT!


12) Become comfortable with telling my mom, dad, and sisters I love them on a regular basis. Strange but true we do not do this and I wish we did. I can tell my kids and my close friends I love them but for some reason it makes me feel really, really vulnerable to tell my family I love them. GETTING THERE!


13) Transform my living space into a space of tranquility and peace . . . somewhere I can pray, meditate and meet with my Savior on a daily basis. NOT FULLY THERE YET!

14) Floss every day . . . one of my best friends is a dentist . . . I'm sure you wonder how I live with the guilt:)? I'm such a rebel!!!! MAN DOES SARAH WISH I DID THIS ONE!

15) Send out Christmas Cards. DIDN’T DO IT, BUT WAS PART OF MY LIVING DEBT FREE, TOO MUCH MONEY!!


16) Put carpet down in Autumn and Rayne's room so they don't have to live with cold concrete floors for another year!!!! DIDN’T DO IT, BECAUSE OF OUR FLOOD THIS YEAR!

17) Form a habit of prayer and devotion. I want to be in constant communication with God and look to his word each day. OH I WISH I COULD PUT "COMPLETED" ON THIS ONE:(!

18) Learn how to ice skate. I never learned when I was a kid . . . :( I was always the kid with boots on the lake! NOPE DIDN’T DO THIS!

19) Plant a vegetable garden. DID THIS BUT FAILED MISERABLELY AT IT, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR RIGHT?

20) Learn to drink water as a health practice, not a beverage! (My good friend Dan has been trying to teach me that for years!) UGH, DIDN’T DO THIS!

21) Somehow organized my pictures. NOPE!


22) Complete my tattoo on my back. COULDN’T AFFORD THIS ONE!


23) Grow my hair into a new style. DID THIS AND IT’S STILL GROWING!

24) Go on a solitude retreat. Meaning go away for a day or two by myself. DID NOT DO THIS
25) Start a trip fund for Rayne's High School Graduation Trip. SHe wants to go to LONDON! DIDN’T DO THIS YET!

26) Throw a lot of crap out!!!!! DONE THIS, SO MUCH MORE TO THROW OUT! "OUT WITH THE OLD, OUT WITH THE OLD".

27) Get my body checked for skin cancer! NOPE! 


28) Pray with my children. UGH! NOPE!

29) Go to the beach a lot this summer! NOPE!

30) Have a fantastic Halloween Costume this year! I DID LOOK GOOD AS A HIPPEE THIS YEAR!


31) Start my poetry journal again. NOPE 


32) Learn to like one new vegtable (yuck!). NOPE!


33) Read more . . . I just never get around to it! NOPE!


34) Love Jesus with all my heart, soul, and mind. STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS


35) Live simply so that others may simply live ~ Ghandi AMEN