Saturday, September 26, 2009

Trust

Autumn is doing great, Rayne is doing even better. I'm amazed by how blessed I am to have these two amazing daughters.

I love how Rayne talks to me . . . sometimes. She tells me all about who she likes and who she doesn't like. I NEVER told my parents about my boy troubles . . . I kept my mouth shut. I wish I talked to my mom and dad more but I didn't. I didn't trust them. They were and are great parents but I didn't trust them. I didn't trust my sisters either. So I never spoke to them about anything personal. My friends were the ones who knew everything about me.

This is so bizarre writing this because if you know me and my family you know we are EXTREMELY close. You know that we depend on each other for everything and we are there for each other no matter what.

You know that we spend everyday together. That we love spending time together.

That we do silly things like "Magic shows" and "Michael Jackson Luau's" and "Ornament Contests" and "Dress like your favorite Thanksgiving Day character".

You know that when Riley was sick I would drive every night after work with the other kids to go see her for 2 weeks straight, even though it meant we got home at midnight ever night.

You know that when I came home pregnant at the age of 18 I was welcomed with unconditional love (after the 5 minute shock/blow-up/scream fest).

You know that Rayne was welcomed into the world with my mom and sister by my side. That Hilary would buy her the cutest outfits from BabyGap and that Rayne was the center of our universe for 5 years before the next kid came along.

You know that when I came home pregnant at the age of 25 my mom, dad, and sisters all wept. They didn't cry but they wept, not because they were disappointed in me but because they knew I had worked so hard to get where I was, that I was getting ready to graduate from graduate school with my Masters and that I worked really, really hard.

You know that when Hilary was going through her divorce we had a huge birthday party for her where everyone cleaned up her yard, put mulch down, trimmed her bushes, and fixed up the kids playground for her.

You know my dad watches our kids everyday after school and then carts them all over creation so they can go to their baseball practices, physical therapy, soccer games, and dance lessons.

You know that my mom has all the kids over for dinner two times a week so that Hilary and I can either work late or run errands.

You know we all go camping together ever summer. One big happy family.

You know that we all love God. We all worship Him in a different way but we all have a personal relationship with our Creator.

I had know idea when I started this post that it would evolve into this but I'm glad it did. It made me realize that I can trust my family. That they are the people I CAN trust.

Wow . . . I'm a little blown away.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I LIKE AUTUMN!




My favorite season of the year is Autumn.

I like Autumn.

A couple of weeks ago I shared that I was having a problem liking my daughter Autumn.

I like Autumn.

I've prayed about it and things have gotten a little better.

I like Autumn.

She turned 10 years old on the 17th. We went into New York City.

I like Autumn.

We had the BEST day ever!!!!

I like Autumn.

She is a gift from God, she really is, a walking miracle really.

I like Autumn.

She has my heart.

I love Autumn.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Feeling Better

I'm feeling better . . .

Kinda

Decided to give life the ol' college try again.

Things have to change though . . .

I MUST be obedient to my heavenly Father.

I MUST get enough sleep every night, at least 8 hours.

I MUST start to run again.

I MUST start to eat healthier.

I MUST keep the house straightened.

I MUST keep the kids and in a routine.

I MUST discipline Autumn . . . every time . . . for even the littlest thing.

I MUST pray.

I MUST read the Bible.

I MUST smile and laugh again.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I want to LIKE Autumn

So you know how I've been depressed lately right? Well throw in a little 9 year old autistic child and mix it together and what do you get????? A BIG MESS!!!!!

Last night I hit rock bottom. I was extremely depressed, teary eyed, and irritable. . . . did I mention I was irritable???? Every little thing annoyed me . . . I mean EVERYTHING!

Autumn was in rare form as well which mixed wonderfully with my depressed state. Everything annoyed her as well. She was wining, moaning, banging stuff around. She was extremely rigid. EVERYTHING had to go her way. I did not like her. It is hard for me to admit it. Does anyone else "not like" their kids sometimes? I love her but I do not like her right now. Can I be honest? Everything she does annoys me. I have no patience for her right now. Discipline? How the heck am I supposed to keep calm, count to 3, put her in time out, and listen to her moan, hit, scream, drool, and cry while in time out?

The other night she wanted to go with my sister Hilary, we live with her and Autumn has recently become extremely attached to her. So we were at the baseball field Hilary was leaving and Autumn wanted to go with her. Hilary said ok but then Autumn decided she didn't want to give Riley's ball back. She refused. I counted to 3 and told her if I got to 3 she would not go with Hilary. She decided to moan and cry and hold on to the ball instead of going with Hilary. We got in the car and she moaned and moaned and moaned and it ate right through my brain. I wanted to scream!!!!

Last night was so annoying too. I finally grabbed her arm and said she was going to bed. I put her to bed at 8pm which is early for the weekend. I could hear her moaning through the ceiling. She eventually fell asleep as I cried upstairs.

I went to sleep and woke up feeling like a ton of bricks has hit me.

Depression sucks.

Autism sucks even more.

Hopefully I will grow out of this soon. I have to. I can't go on not liking my daughter. I love her with all my heart but I desire to LIKE her again.

Friday, September 4, 2009

i'm not sure



For the past month I have not been myself. I think my depression is getting the best of me. Usually I have it under control. Usually my medication works just fine. Usually, about once a month, my mood dips down low (hormonal I think), and then it comes right back up within a week. "Usually" is not happening this month. I'm low and have stayed low for the past 4 weeks. I don't want to be defeated by this big blue monster, so I wake up every day and I put one foot in front of the other (isn't that a song in like Rudolph or something?).




I mean my life is not bad. My job sucks right now just because I'm stressed but when is my job ever simple? Financially I'm okay. Do I wish I had more money, sure, but I'm okay, my bills are being paid, my needs are met. My kids are okay. Rayne is great, I feel like her and I are close and we have a pretty good relationship considering she's a teenager. Autumn is doing better, she still has her issues but she is better. My family is okay. My church is okay. I guess every thing is okay.



But can I be honest here? I feel like crap. At this very instant I want to cry. I wish I could go to bed and stay there. If I didn't have kids to take care of that's were I would be . . . literally . . . I want to go to bed and not get out for a very, very long time. There as been only one time that I have actually gotten to the point of what it felt like no return. I asked my mom to take my kids, I couldn't take care of them. She did. I sat at home with my best friend and just cried. Then I went to bed and slept and slept and slept.

I've got a question? Is my depression directly connected to my sin? I'm thinking it is. I'm thinking that my sin is keeping me trapped in my depression right now. This is not always the case. I do believe I am clinically depressed and that it is definitely chemical HOWEVER I also believe it can be spiritual. So am I willing to give up my sin in order to feel better?



i'm not sure . . . i'm not sure . . . i'm not sure . . . i'm not sure . . .



and that is the truly scary part . . .